In his autobiography Wide Canvas, Bairnsfather told the story of how he came to write ”Bairnsfatherland,” his first sketch for the theatre:

    “I had been persuaded into constructing a twenty to thirty minute sketch of trench life for the London Hippodrome. This had been acquired by Albert de Courville and inserted in his revue Flying Colours. Little Tich was the star of this production, but that very fine old able comedian, John Humphries, was engaged to play the part of Old Bill. Humphries was the first actor to ever take the part.

      This small sketch was called by de Courville, Bairnsfatherland, or The Johnson ‘Ole, an episode of the trenches. Before it’s production, I was interviewed for the first time, by no less a person than Edgar Wallace.

     I remember sitting away near a window with him in the Hippodrome offices. Myself a timorous and uncouth novice, Wallace in a large South African-looking felt hat, and armed with an abnormally long cigarette-holder. At the time, he and Wal Pink were assisting de Courville in the construction of Hippodrome shows.

“BAIRNSFATHERLAND”

By Bruce Bairnsfather and

Basil Macdonald Hastings

(Synopsis based on a recording of the sketch made by Columbia Records)

 

The scene is set in a trenches in winter-time, and opens with a burst of “Old Soldiers Never Die—They simply fade away.” Old Bill and ‘Arry are discussing what they will do when the war is over—’Arry says he will be a murderer, and “murder all these ‘ere jam manufacturers! Next he’ll murder “all them things at the zoo that reminds me of you…” “Oh, what might that be, ‘Arry?” asks Bill, to which ’Arry amusingly replies “I forget what you calls ‘em, old cock, but it’s them things what the keepers throw fish to!”

Bert arrives and greets Bill with “Morning old walrus!” Bill doesn’t like this and Bert and ‘Arry decide to give him a sing-song to cheer him up—and promptly burst into a couple of verses of ”Who stole the rum last night?”

Bert then tries another tack, showing Bill a photograph of his “bit” , to which Bill’s reaction is “Yer likes ‘em plain, I see.”

Explosions are heard in the distance, prompting a chorus of “There are Germans over there...” from our lads.

Bill then turns his attention to complaining about having to fill sandbags, just as an officer arrives to ask if they are A Company. “What have yer got there?” they ask him—“A couple of hundred sandbags” the reply. “No it ain’t A Company” is their quick retort.Old Bill

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designed by Bruce Bairnsfather

      They were trying to persuade me to appear myself in the sketch, but this I firmly refused to do, partly from stage-fright, and partly because I felt sure the military authorities would much prefer me to go to a battle or so, rather than take an engagement at the Hippodrome.

      In fact, my General might get very angry indeed about it.

      The sketch, when it appeared in the revue, proved a great success in spite of the fact that it was very badly written.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

now settles down to write a letter home—to his mother—telling her “I am being made a General, if not, Company Sergeant Major.”

Another officer arrives, again asking if they are A Company. Once again they deny this, but change their minds when they realise he has some rum rations to deliver. “Yes this is A Company…” they quickly confirm—and as for the rum—”We’ll see as the right people gets it!”

Bert asks Bill how long he has been a soldier—”I ain’t a soldier, I’m a bloomin’ tin opener” is Bill’s reply! They then turn to the subject of money and how much they think “Old ‘Indenberg” is paid.

More singing ensues as further explosions are heard.

Old Bill shows ‘Arry a gargoyle—which he found in the old storeroom of a ruined farm, “in between a bag of onions and a scythe.”

An officer comes on and asks about their dugout—”Four of us sleeps in there sir...we takes it  in turns to come out and have a rest.”

They ask the officer if he knows the Johnson ‘Ole by St Martins Lane, and a slightly rum-intoxicated Bill tells him they “think there’s a couple of Generals in that ‘ole.” The officer replies that they are not Generals, but German deserters who have now been caught and sent back to HQ. He tells them that the enemy “are going to have a go at us shortly” and that he’ll be back to inspect their rifles in half an hour.

Bill says the officer is a “blinkin’ good feller” and Bert agrees that he’s “a bit of alright.”

Orders to “Stand To!” are heard as a barrage begins and the scene closes with a good deal of commotion and Old Bill’s final words, “I don’t think I shall dress for dinner tonight, ‘Arry!”